From: Paul - firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Quadradius Sucks: 70% chance 30% skill means most games are decided in the first 10-20 moves
Most games are decided by ridiculously unbalanced orb
placement... game sucks... you've wasted your lives...
As you probably guessed I got to my computer this morning and the first thing in my in-box was your message pertaining to Quadradius. Frankly, I was somewhat disappointed with your effort. Now, I recognize that you're most likely from the younger generation and your attention span is limited, but when it comes to bad-mouthing any company and/or product you should really consider putting a little more effort into your writing.
Now, putting aside your poor punctuation and confusing use of an emoticon the overall length and depth of your rant leaves much to be desired.
Take for example this email we received from a young man in Idaho a few weeks back:
Dear Jimmi and Brad,
You're game Quadradius is the worst piece of bile ever created. I don't know if I will ever forgive you for the 15 minutes of my life that your useless video game took from me. Furthermore, if I ever see either of you in real life I will not hesitate beating you both senseless with my bare hands.
Seriously. Fuck you!
Now, you don't have to read much past this author's use of the word "bile" to know that he means business and is serious about his complete distaste for what Jimmi and I have created. This is only followed by further highlighting his grievances and then ending his main thought with physical threats against our well-being. Now that's how you send hate mail in under 3 sentences. It's creative, it's violent, and his punctuation is impeccable.
Another great example I'll share with you is a a message we received earlier this year:
My name is Dave and I'm a Marine Reservist who has served two tours of duty in Iraq. The first was in early 2003 and I was in 107th Infantry. We were the first unit to push through Samarra and secure the bridges directly to the Northwest of Baghdad. One morning out on patrol my unit was attacked by Saddam loyalists as we were trying to monitor a key intersection out of the city. We were ambushed by small arms fire and 2 of our 3 vehicles were immobilized by RPG rounds. I saw my best friend lose his right arm right in front of me. The next thing I remember was pulling back and watching a US air strike completely level anything within 6 blocks of that intersection. Afterwards, we simply moved on as the charred bodies of Iraqis were left in the streets for the wild dogs to clean up. This was possibly the worst day of my life.
That was until I played Quadradius.
You game has scarred me far more than any botched military occupation could ever do.
You should both be hung for treason.
Now, as you can plainly see your pathetic swipe against our game doesn't even hold a candle to Dave here. I mean shit, this guy put our game above genocide. Fucking genocide! And then, for an added dash of style insisted that we were unpatriotic traitors punishable by death! And all you got is that we've "wasted our lives"? Please.
Finally, I'd like to share one last message we received. This one wasn't in email form at all but came hand-scrawled and stuffed in a business envelope with no return address:
I will kill you and your familys[sic]. You will die painfully and slowly and I will laf[sic] and spit on your corpses. I will use your blood as mouthwash.
Your game is a peace[sic] of dog shit!
So are you!
Until I kill you!
Then you'll be dead!
Now, despite the poor spelling and lack of any real grammar or sentence structure this really does convey a sense of pure unabashed hatred in the soul of the author. It's hard not to receive a letter like this and not just say to yourself, "Wow."
And again, this brings us back to your note to us which, in comparison, falls horribly flat. If you have any time in the future I suggest maybe re-writing your note and maybe including one or more of the following:
1. More curse words.
They just really add a sense of urgency that your lame emoticon just can't.
2. More physical threats.
Your quip about "wasting our time" really falls on deaf ears. Seriously, we both work in advertising. Our day jobs are all about selling shit to people they probably don't need.
3. Include examples of how the game has ruined your life.
This is important. Nothing really gets across your utter resentment of us than stories of suffering and pain.
In any case, I hope this helps you at least a little with future communications.
Thanks again for playing,
Jimmi & Brad